The Inner Examination of Oneself

Many times, upon writing these short and brief chapters in regards to how I've grown to view the world, I critique things rather profusely whereupon I justify my claim. However, there is one thing I rarely do and should rather do more of; that is a critiquing of myself. I do believe people should know why I am the way I am, what I believe my inner flaws are and how I intended to work on them within the next certain time period. That time has now come.

Looking back on summer 2007, I cant help but realize I need to work on a few things in regards to my attitudes. Firstly, the way I come across to people. Apparently, I've been told, I have a snarky demeanor even when I'm not talking to someone. Now, while this person actually had issues with me and probably wasn't looking at me objectively, I do believe I need to take an inward look at this and wonder if there's any way possibly where I could have prevented that. My answer: pertinence. There's a time and place for everything and I must hold valid to the tasks at hand and how to deal with them maturely.

Pertinence is the first thing I need to work on. The second thing I believe that should be worked on is self control. Many times throughout this summer, I let either my emotions or feelings get the best of me. While this is normally not how I am (I'm stoic in manner some say), I KNOW that I lacked the true FEELING of self control. It was body before mind; my interest above others; time management gone wrong. The fruit of self control is bitter upon first bite, but it's taste is soothing.

Finally, I do believe that I need to work on inward security. While I in no way shape or form believe myself to be insecure due to my extrovertish mannerisms, I know deep down I do have some insecurities that must be worked on, most notably that of being left alone. While I'm secure in knowing that God said that it "not good for man to be alone" and that He will make a suitor fit for me, its been hard to live it because of the atrocities committed against me in the past. This, in my estimation, is something that I believe I will carry with me until the exact moment I get married and consummate that union in the marriage bed.

I hope this insight has helped you see a few things. First and foremost, that I am definitely NOT above reproach. I, like everyone, have mistakes and pitfalls that must be worked on and am not afraid to let ANYONE know what they are. When I say I'm an open book, I'm an open book. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Secondly, that I can take an inner, objective examination of myself to the best of my ability and confess it boldly. Finally, in my doing of this, I surely hope that you will examine yourself too, not only to see where your worldview lies, but also to see if you're "in the faith" as it were.

"But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another ... we (are to) speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but (rather) God, who tests our hearts." (Galatians 6:4 & 1 Thessalonians 2:4)

The Will of God is Revealed

The following is a ridiculous story. Stay with me 'til the end. It won't be long.

Christians – Read the story and then the 3 points in order.
Non-Christians – Read the story and then read point 2 before the others.

A man wakes up early in the morning. He looks at his closet and puts his head down to pray. He then proceeds to get dressed. It's now breakfast time. The man opens up his pantry, puts his head down and proceeds to pray. He then proceeds to pour a bowl of Cheerios and merrily munch away. Onto work now he goes, but before proceeding, puts his head down to pray. After a hard day's work, the same man proceeds to a store to purchase an item. Unfortunately, he comes to a place of indecisiveness about which store and what item to purchase upon arriving at that store. After putting his head down to pray, the man proceeds to a different store altogether to purchase another random item. However, on his way there, a car runs a red light at 50 mph and slams straight into the driver's side door, killing the man on impact.

What's the point to this awkwardly depressing story? I'm sure that's what you're asking.
Well I have 3 points. Stay with me for them all.

(1) There's a difference between God's revealed will and "wondering what God's will for my life is": The first thing to be noticed upon when reading this story is that this man stops to pray for nearly everything. What is the point in doing this, one may ask. Well to be honest, the man seems to be indecisive and to better find out what God wants him to do, he lowers his head to ask Him. While this in and of itself isn't wrong at all, the reasoning behind it may be.

What is God's will for my life? Who should I date? What car should I buy? What job should I get? "I believe God will show me the way." All of these statements are usually made by people but my point is simply this: what's the point in asking these? To be honest, I really don't think God cares what we do regarding these areas as long as we stay within His parameters that He's so very clearly laid out in the Bible. Imagine if I made up the schedule for a day at a summer camp. Would you really come up and ask me which activity should be done, at what time, for what reason, etc.? No you wouldn't. You would simply see what's been written in front of you, decide within its boundary what you like and proceed from there.

Is this procedure to be followed for EVERY circumstance? Well no, but understand, God has revealed exactly how we should live, the type of person we should marry, what we should do in respecting His creation and how we should honor Him in everything we do. Do we really need more than that?

(2) Why do bad things happen to good people?: This is so easily answerable. There isn't ANYONE who does good. Crazy thinking but stay with me on this. Have you ever told a lie? What do you call people who lie? Liars correct? Have you ever stolen anything? If so, aren't people who steal things (no matter the value) called thieves? How about lusting after someone (same/opposite sex)? If so, Jesus said you don't have to actually commit the sin of adultery, you just have to think about it and you're an adulterer at heart. How about hating someone? The same can be said of this; if you've ever hated someone, Jesus said you're considered a murderer at heart.

If all this is true, then wouldn't you be a self-admitted lying, thieving, adulterer and murderer at heart? Even if you had done all these things only once, aren't you still guilty? If I was nice 99% of the time but raped and tortured one girl of 11 years old, wouldn't I still be considered a rapist and torturer rather than a good person?

If this is true, then of all on earth, there is not one who does good and can be considered a good person. We actually all DESERVE bad things to happen to us. And if that answer doesn't suit you, I'm extremely sorrowful (I truly am) but there's no other way to explain it. If we were good people, justice would state that we should have good things happen to us. But we're not. Therefore, in order for justice and love to be true, we must get what we all rightfully deserve: bad things.

(3) This man continually honored God in everything He did: My question to you is simply this: do you? I know I don't and it's extremely sorrowful. While I may try, I know I will fail but I know that's not the point. The point is that I'm trying. I'm trying to glorify the God who's been show gracious to forgive me for the sin that so easily ensnared me. I'm trying to glorify Him, not to be saved because then I could glory in myself on my own merit and works, but because He's the only one who worthy to be praised. He lived the true definition of love, justice and mercy and died while accomplishing them all only to rise again to reconcile us to do just that: glorify the Father.

After all of this, I sure hope you understand where I'm coming from and understand what I'm trying to say. I don't write these things for myself: I write them for you guys/girls to show you what I'm learning. If this is sillytalk to you, message me and we'll talk. If you understand, take it, do with it what you will but know this… this is something not to be messed around with lightly. Point 1 is a matter of how to live life. Point 2 is a matter of life and death: eternity in damnation or glorifying the gracious Creator of the universe. Point 3 is what everything is all about.

Decide what to do. It's in your hands now.